Raising a child with mental illness usually comes with a healthy dose of « mom guilt, » and raising a child with ADHD is no exception. While a little « mom guilt » keeps me on my toes, sometimes it becomes debilitating, so I was relieved to find out that ADHD and « mom guilt » are co-occurring problems that many parents struggle with. I’m not alone, and neither are you.
What ADHD and « Mom Guilt » Look Like for Me
While a smidge of « mom guilt » makes me want to do better for my kid, too much of it makes it hard to do my job of raising a child with ADHD. I’m too busy beating myself up or feeling overwhelmed, and then I can’t do what I need to do for my son. It doesn’t help that I struggle with my own mental illness, too, so there are some days I feel guilty about everything–taking time for myself, losing my patience, feeling too tired to be Supermom, and a host of other actions I imagine will ruin my child for life.
One thing I feel guilty about, in particular, is a mistake I made about three months into my pregnancy. That night, I drank a glass of wine that quickly turned into three, and I’ve always imagined my son’s tiny brain was in the middle of growing that day. Did that somehow cause his ADHD? I can never know for sure if it was genetics or certain choices I made, so there’s no point in berating myself over it. All I can do is try to be the best mother I know how to be today.
How I Cope with ADHD and « Mom Guilt »
When it comes to raising a child with mental illness, I’ve begun to figure out what is and isn’t my responsibility. It is my responsibility to learn everything I can about ADHD and try to implement what I learn. It isn’t my responsibility to try to control every little thing my kid says and does and then get angry with myself when I can’t. I don’t have to indulge in « mom guilt » over everything, only the things that are actually my fault.
What about the things that are my fault? For instance, sometimes I yell at my kid for being hyperative or not listening or being loud, behaviors I know are connected to his ADHD that he can’t always help doing. Afterwards, I feel terrible, as I should. What I’ve learned to do in this situation is to kneel down, look my small child in the eye, and say, « I’m sorry. » It’s a very humbling experience, and, in the end, everyone learns something.
I’m raising a child with ADHD. That means there will be hard days and mistakes made, but I don’t have to blame it on anyone, not even myself. I can choose to forgive myself and each day strive to do better for my happy little boy. I have to forgive myself not only for my sake but for his, as well.
Good luck on your own journey to self-forgiveness, and we’ll talk again soon.
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